“I am the Way.” John 14:6
As many of you know I was diagnosed a few years ago with neuroendocrine tumors, a rare, slow-growing and incurable form of cancer (see Neuroendocrine tumor). It has been a merciful journey so far and I have often had to remind myself that my body is afflicted in this way. Things have changed however over the past few months and the realities of the evolution of this disease are much more evident to me than in the past. Fatigue, digestive complications, bronchospasm are all symptoms that I am learning to live with. I am sharing this because of something important I learned in negotiating this new phase that I think might be of help to others.
I’ve always enjoyed physical activity like swimming, cycling and long walks but, recently, I started noticing how depleted I felt after any strenuous activity. Dismayed as I was by this sudden change in my energies I found myself scurrying for answers. Was I doing anything wrong that was contributing to this? Did I need to change my diet? My medications? My lifestyle? In other words, what could I do to get back to “normal?” As the doctors were not able to give me any conclusive reason for this change I was left with an array of my own theories of what might be causing this and what I might do to “fix” it.
What I am describing here, of course, is the way any of us might feel in this situation, and the likely process we would find ourselves in as we tried to get to the bottom of any deterioration of our health. But the effect that this type of reasoning was having on me was making me feel more and more alone with this disease. I was, of course, praying and asking God for help, but more in a way that presumed it was my problem and difficulty to bear rather than something I shared with God.
It was only after seeing my spiritual director that I realized how my obsession with trying to manage this new reality was, in fact, distancing me from God. The foundational relationship of my life had shifted away from the Lord and was now being established mostly between me and the disease, and what I must do about it. God, of course, was still part of this narrative but more as an outsider to my problem.
With this helpful reminder I was now able to re-establish the first axis of my life with God and then, together with the Lord, to form a relationship to whatever is going on in my body. And that has made a world of difference in my relationship to the “problem” I face. I suspect that this insight regarding the relationships we form with our problems might have many applications for other people. We can easily establish our first relationship as between us and the trials we face, with God more on the periphery of our dilemma. Shifting that first axis back to God allows us to approach our difficulties no longer alone, but together with the Lord.
With regards to the changes happening in my body I am now in a much freer posture to either search for a solution, or to accept this as the new norm of my life. I suspect that, like all of us, I will have to negotiate many other such stages of deterioration in the future. But I hope I remember this lesson well—that rather than face such threats alone, I do best to remain yoked with Jesus, who walks with me through every strait of life as my moment-to-moment Way. Today, I once again hear His assuring words, “You are never alone Rob, for we are living every moment of this life together—I in you and you in Me.”
When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my way. Ps. 142:2
Rob Des Cotes
Imago Dei Christian Communities
FOR GROUP DISCUSSION:
- In what ways might your obsession with managing your problems be actually distancing you from God? What signs in your spirit would indicate that this is happening?
- How do you relate to the posture I describe of “praying and asking God for help, but more in a way that presumed it was my problem and my difficulty to bear rather than something I shared with God?” What do you lose by imagining God more as an outsider to your problem?
- What helps you to walk more yoked with the Lord rather than on the periphery of your dilemma? How can you live more consistently in the truth that Jesus is your Way—that He is walking together with you, through every strait of life?
FOR PRAYER: Examine the problems you are presently facing and ask the Lord to highlight the ones where you might be obsessing or over-managing to the point of excluding God. Hear the Lord say to you as well, “You are never alone, for we are living every moment of this life together—I in you, and you in Me.”